Living Life in the City
Anything is possible
heart transplant, inspirational story, organ transplant
Today is day 103 of living in the hospital waiting for Lauren's heart and kidney transplant. Every day and every night we say maybe today, then it turn's into the next day. We try to stay upbeat, but deep inside we both get discouraged when a new day starts and we are forced to do it again.
At this point it is more of an emotional rollercoaster ride. We have our up and downs, that can be very frustrating. We both have been breaking down little by little. Lauren and I both found out we cannot keep things bottled up inside each other, because when it comes out, it comes out, not the way we wanted. Frustration is the primary key. I love my daughter and don't want to burden her with my thoughts and she has her's.
Well, yesterday it all came out. I found out that keeping things from Lauren doesn't protect her, it hurts her. I'm talking about how I hate living here, the pain from the sleeping on the couch, being confined to this room, our life now. The waiting game, living on the edge wondering if today could be the day. I felt I couldn't say it out loud to Lauren, I know she feels the same way.
So last night we had a talk and got got everything out in the open. I talked, then Lauren told me deep down how she was feeling. We both sat there and cried. It's a shitty position as a mother, not to be able to make everything better. The feeling of hopelessness in very overpowering. When you cannot take away the physical and emotional pain for your child, I don't have words.
What I found out the most besides the medical, is Lauren is very frustrated that she wants a life. Lauren wants to get married, have children, have a home, have a career. Lauren wants everything that a 27 year old women wants. In a normal world, those are normal expectations. I know in my heart all her dreams will come true, some reason we have to live this for Lauren to achieve her dreams.
I know some people have it harder, I should feel blessed we are in the best hospital in the world, surrounded by the best doctors and nurses which are like family to us. We will go home someday together, would like to to know when.